So the other day I was being an idiot. You know when someone is wrong, and in all of your wonderful knowledge you decide to set them straight? That moment when you feel the need to let people know, “Hey, I have the right answers!” Well that happened to be me, and the person I was letting know this “wonderful truth” happened to be my fiance.
You see my life has been super hectic lately, so much so that we haven’t really been able to spend time together. I felt like she hadn’t really considered that she hadn’t shown me any affection in awhile. I mean heck we hadn’t seen each other in what felt like forever. So as I tell her how I feel she turns away from me. She doesn’t fight me and say how I am wrong or how I wasn’t showing her any, instead she just turns away from me and starts to cry. Remember earlier about me being an idiot, it was around this time I realized it.
So in my NEW found knowledge I decided, “I need to make this right.” It’s not rocket science to know you don’t act this way, but I have never claimed to be smart. So I start to try and make my apology attempt, but I want her to know that I am being sincere and apologizing because I realize what an idiot I was being, so I try and get her to look at me. She won’t respond. I keep asking her, “Baby, will you look at me please?” “Baby I want to tell you something, can you turn around?” With tears in her eyes she keeps saying no. I cannot get her to look at me. I finally out of desperation and frustration ask her, “WHY WON’T YOU LOOK AT ME?” She said something to me that I will never forget.
“I don’t deserve to look at you.”
I felt as if someone just punched me right in the gut. A freaking one two upper cut straight to the abdomen. I remember thinking, “Why would you ever think you don’t deserve to look at me?” She kept repeating that she hadn’t earned the right to look at me because she hadn’t been even attentive to me or even seen me in awhile. I remember just saying to her, “The problem is we aren’t giving each other attention, so you not looking at me isn’t helping that.” Of course that sounds mean, but my intentions are this:
You cannot do anything that would make me not want to see you.
It was here when I grabbed her and wrapped my arms around her and said this, “There is nothing you can do to ever not deserve my attention, you can straight up murder somebody, I hope you won’t, but you can, and I would still want to give you my attention.”
I realized this is how I treat God. When I do something that I feel would disappoint Him I say to myself, “I don’t deserve to look at you.” The entire time God is saying, “The way we fix this is for you to do just the opposite.” “Look at me, know you cannot do anything where I would not want to give you My attention.” I was telling my fiance that we can fix this whole fight if she would look at me so I could tell her I am sorry. God was saying, “if you understand this is how it works, then why is it when you feel you’ve messed up and can’t look at me, you won’t follow this example?” He wants me to just look at Him. He wants me to see the way we fix it is to not turn away.
I am slowly getting better at being a good fiance, but it’s times like these that help me realize I have a long way to go. Don’t turn away from Him or others when you act dumb, face them. Look them in the eyes and show them, “I want you to have my attention, because I love you and would like to make this right.” Wrap your arms around them and say you’re sorry.